I Wish I was a CAR!

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I Wish I was a Car

by John Roebuck on Friday, February 11, 2011 at 11:53am

RaNdOm thoughts on why, I indeed, wish I was a car.

First of all, I could run my odometer back which would open up a whole new world of possibilities.

To have gas, I'd actually have to PAY for it.

If my exhaust was offensive, they'd give me a ring job. (I'm not sure if that's a plus or minus) Hmm

Bump and grind would mean I was a NASCAR eh, car.

Depending on the owner, I'd be given a bath every week.

As a human having a titanium leg would make me interesting to a limited amount of people.

As a car, if I had over-sized rims...wait a minute, I'd only be cool to a limited amount of people there, too.

Being jacked up wouldn't mean having to see the dentist the next day or having my jaw re-set.

Being lowered wouldn't mean I was in a coffin.

Peeling out would be cool if I was a car. Not so sure what it means for humans, what, a bad sunburn?

Burn out wouldn't mean I was a druggie or had worked too hard for too long.

A messed up grille would probably cost about the same to get fixed.

Headlights, I guess would be a consideration whether I was male or female.

Woe (a Joey Triviani thought) wonder how you tell the difference with cars?

Don't know if Earl Sheib is still around, but for about three hundred bucks at Peach, I could get an entire new wardrobe!

Bumper music would have an entirely different meaning to me.

Of course, there ARE some negatives, like...

I'm perfectly happy with shoes for under twenty bucks---never cared for advertising someone's brand. Even ordinary tires cost an arm and a leg these days.

When I am no longer on the road, I may or may NOT be recycled. That's a scary thought. Spending eternity in a junk yard? Ew!

Resurrection would only come IF someone decided to fix me up for a demolition derby, unless I was a classic car, then I'd be sold for some ridiculous price.

Someone could put a bumper sticker on me and another equally crazy driver could get offended and hit me in the parking lot on purpose!

Having my lights punched out is no good either way some country chick would do it with a Louisville Slugger!

I don't know...maybe I need to think some more

SAVE Skippy!

People of America we must rise and unite! There is a most unfortunate comment people make when they want you to know that what they previously said was the 100% Truth. I know you have heard someone at some time utter the words, "Damn Skippy!" This is worse than a bigoted treatment of squirrels...it is well...TERRIBLE!

It's time for counter measures to take place at ONCE! Hear me, please, and heed my call for reform. From now on when you've said something that is absolutely true and you wish to emphasize it, do not say "Damn Skippy," no!

Say, "SAVE Skippy!" That's right, "SAVE Skippy!"

After all, what did Skippy ever do to you, other than deliver the most delicious, melt in your mouth peanut butter available. And don't give me that business about choosey mothers. Do you hear yourselves? They're MOTHERS! We HATE those mothers! You don't hear anyone say anything about them except an occasional, "I swear on my mother's grave!"

So please, in the name of all that is American, when you want to emphasize that what you say is true, say "Save Skippy!" and the world will be a better place (for you...and me...you just wait...and see, people now, put a little love in your heart, come on, now...put a little love in your heart...)

Beautiful Betti (Bipolar Barista)

I used to frequent a now defunct coffee shop where one of the people who worked there was like the "Soup Nazi" especially when it came to decaf coffee. Apparently, decaf was a big problem, as when it changed ownership, they rarely had it ready. There must have been more demand than they thought, because they're out of business.

Beautiful Betti (Bipolar Barista)

There are two sides to stories

And this has more than one

Occasionally hard to be around

But most times she was fun

Her life consists of lattes

Espresso and the like

But miss that medication

And it's Hitler and the Third Reich!

One day, preparing decaf

For a regular named Joe

We noticed that the service

Was just a tad bit slow

Betti snapped at customers

Prepared the drinks all wrong

Some made a guess "It's PMS!"

Or an ill-fitting thong

"Something's amiss with this coffee Miss

She's manically depressed!"

The biggest clue? She came unglued

And broke the coffee press

A sight to see so violently

She whipped a mango drink

And fruity parts strewn near and far

From front door to the sink

Just then, with cup, boyfriend shows up

Says "You forgot your pills!"

She takes a dose, prepares rich roast

And coffee cups, she fills

Where Were You...

In my life, so far there have been three major events that at one time or another will come up in conversations starting with "Where were you and what were you doing when..."

The first was the Assassination of President John F Kennedy who's funeral I witnessed, seeing the flag-draped coffin going down Pennsylvania Boulevard.

One of the most life changing was, of course, Elvis' death while I was on the air on what was then WRNC and the absolute barrage of phone calls as if a family member had died that I received that night.

Today, we recall the day that seven brave Americans tragically died in the Challenger Shuttle Disaster. I was driving in a potato chip route and saw video tape in a convenient store in Raleigh, North Carolina. I was quite comforted by what was SUPPOSED to have been the State of the Union Speech of President Ronald Reagan. He forwent addressing both houses of Congress quite appropriately and came to us via the then, big three broadcast television networks from the Oval Office.

I recall, having heard first on the radio and then hearing someone say as I entered the convenient store, "Have you heard what happened?" A TV was set up and we watched the first video tape of it, which included the class of a young teacher at Cape Canaveral there to celebrate their teacher's great accomplishment of being the first civilian in space.

There has been and continues to be a lot of superstition with regard to NASA and specifically the Shuttle program. There are those people groups who comment, "You know, every time that thing goes up there, there's a tornado, a hurricane or an earth quake. It just ain't right. God's trying to tell us something!" And there are those who believe that somehow, the Shuttle is involved in the way those who rule us are tampering with weather. I doubt it, but then again, I wouldn't rule it completely out.

May the Lord continue the comfort those who lost loved ones on this day twenty-five years ago, and may He bless America!

Who Can Forget...

I remember the Christmas I finally got a record player that would play more than 78 rpm kiddie records, although they were fun, I grew tired of the Three Stooges, or some Disney stuff. I was ready for some rock'n'roll!

So that Christmas, I got "Return to Sender" admittedly not one of Elvis' rockiest songs, but it was on top at the time. He could go pop better than any and without "selling out."

When I started my collection of albums (lp's) it was "Elvis Gold Records, Vol 3." As soon as I got caught up with everything current at the time, I began collecting the older stuff.

I know a lot of Elvis fans who are stuck in the seventies and that's fine, but that doesn't even touch Elvis' creativity as a musical artist.

From Elvis' rockabilly beginnings at Sun Records, to his early top ten hits when he signed with RCA, through the songs that were released while he served in the US Army, and ballads he sang after his discharge, through the mid sixties to Elvis' 1968 Television Special on NBC, "Singer Presents Elvis," (later known as the '68 Comeback Special) to the jump suit/Vegas era, there's a wealth of musical styles and influences that characterized Elvis Presley.

Don't tell me you love Elvis when all you can remember is "In the Ghetto" "Suspicious Minds" or even lately, "Can't Help Falling in Love" (which is, by the way, the number one Elvis karaoke song) You're robbing yourself.

With Elvis, you cover it all, from Gospel, to Country, to Rhythm and Blues (when it actually was) to Ballads and Pop.

Don't stop with the Vegas Elvis. Get to know the whole library! Then you can truly say TCB!

Countryfied Dictionary

WOO'-un--the number between zero and two

Non----the number between eight and ten

Fov----the number between four and six

DOT'-ter--physician

Tarz---little round, black rubber things that hold your car up

Rernt--something that's beyond repair

TOE'-lut--commode

GOO'-un---thing that shoots bullets

WUN'-duz---little openings with glass that allow you to see outside and light to come in

Ool--------lubricating fluid used in automobiles, tractors, etc

PROH'-jick---a task that has to be done

CHAINTZ---opportunity

SAM'-pull---in West Virginia, a person who's a few fries shy of a happy meal "He's SAMpull!"

Fon---------goes along with "and dandy"

YANG'-kee---person who looks down on Southern people and calls them hicks, hayseeds, etc. These people usually

drive at least thirty miles over the speed limit with impunity and criticize people for saying "y'all." Many of

these same people say "Yous" but don't see the hypocricy in it

"Small Miracle" (If there IS Such a Thing)

Miracles, small and large, still amaze me, but it's business as usual for the King of Kings and Lord of lords, the Lord Jesus.

Many of you may be aware that I have a group of people I have a lot of confidence in I call the Prayer Warriors and several times a week I send them alerts (prayer requests)

On this Tuesday past, I had not had a decent night's sleep in over a week. I sent a request to my friends for prayer and as I customarily do, wrote my own simple, short prayer on that request. I went out into the parking lot and made a call to the doctor's office requesting a prescription for a muscle relaxer to help so I could at least get some sleep. I've been suffering from sciatica as a complication of my stenosis of the spine, not to mention at least six spinal spurs.

I then, went home and sat down, continuing to pray to the Lord for relief. As I prayed, the small of my back became warm as though I was sitting on a heating pad and the pain radiating from my hip down my left leg diminished somewhat. I was then able to take a nap for the first time, as I said, in over a week. That nap was interupted by a call on the phone which I didn't answer for fear of getting into a wrong position and exaserbating the pain. It was a good nap and when I awoke and checked the phone, the doctor had called in a prescription for me. That night I took a dose and slept well. I still have some pain, but it is a lot less than it was.

I thank those who prayed and I thank my Lord, Jesus for his touch.